Platonic Relationships: Why They Don't Work After a Break-Up

                

 

Relationships with the opposite sex can be extremely complicated, especially after a break-up. Can singles be “just friends” with someone they used to date? Here's why I say the answer to that question is "no."

Q. I just broke up with a guy I had been dating for nine months. We got along well on many levels, but realized that we couldn’t be “life partners.” So much of the relationship was good, but the arguing made it bad. While I’m willing to give up the sex and the hope for a future together, I don’t want to give up our friendship. We enjoy many of the same things and I would miss sharing them with him. Can't we be “just friends” while I search for the guy who will be “Mr. Right?” Allyson

Allyson, Maintaining a platonic relationship with someone you used to date is frequently the source of confusion and frustration. So much of your energy had been invested in this person, which makes severing only some of it very tricky. But if you really want to create a life partner relationship with someone who meets all of your needs, then I suggest it is best NOT to be friends with your “ex.”

Trying to maintain a friendship with someone with whom you had been physically intimate is especially challenging. That’s because sex is like “superglue” – it’s easy to get stuck, but extremely difficult to get unstuck. Couples who had expressed their physical feelings with one another can easily succumb again to the emotional triggers that initially sparked the intimacy.

When a man and a woman, each considering the other as a potential life partner, spend a lot of time together, it’s natural that they would become emotionally attached. After a break-up, a person usually goes through a sort of grieving and mourning process. This is because when you’re dating someone, and doing so with the serious intention of seeing if s/he is going to be your life partner, you have hopes and dreams that it'll all work out. When reality tells you (and you’re actually willing to listen to reality!) that the two of you are not compatible, and should not continue being together, it can feel like a “death.” But it's not the death of the person that you have to adjust to, it’s the death of your hopes and dreams. And just like with the death of a person, the challenge before you is to re-orient yourself in the world without this person in your life, and get back into the game to find someone more suitable.

I suggest that you sever yourself from this failed relationship completely. Doing so will free up all of your energies – emotional, physical and intellectual – and allow you to explore a new relationship’s potential. Avoiding a “friendship” with your ex will prevent him (and your residual feelings for him) from distracting you from attaining your goal of attaining as gratifying relationship with the right person.

About Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D. Practicing as a psychologist for over 20 years, Janice has treated many singles looking to get married, but who had become depressed and demoralized by the dating process. She now uses her skills and experience to help healthy singles overcome the obstacles preventing them from attaining the relationships and lives they really want. Janice has been quoted in Cosmopolitan Magazine, gives dating advice on http://www.JMatch.com and other websites for singles, has a free e-newsletter and gives teleclasses, lectures and workshops. Check out her "Get Your Love Right!" blog, read other dating-related Q's&A's and articles, and sign up for a complimentary 40 minute telephone coaching session by visiting her website at http://www.DoctorLoveCoach.com

Break-Up Fake-Out, or Move Out Without the Lout?

                

 

Dear Dr. Neder,

I was reading your article on 10 Signs Its Time to Break Up, so I decided to write. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years (on and off) for various reasons. I broke up with him 2 weeks ago, and now I feel like I made a big mistake.

One of the reasons I broke up with him is because he would sometimes go for days without calling me because he was in one of his "moods". Even though I told him repeatedly how horrible this made me feel, he continued to do it. Another reason was that I always seemed to be giving and never receiving anything.

For instance, he just got a new apartment, so I furnished his bathroom, but a month down the road, he forgot my birthday and then when I reminded him, he still didn't get me anything. Other than that, we had a really good relationship and he said he realized I deserved better and was going to do better.

Do you think I should give him more time to "work on himself" or was breaking up the best for both of us? I would really appreciate your input. Thanks!!

Hello!

You have to answer two questions; one of them is simple and the other more complex.

The first question is this: did you break up with him to punish him? Many people (particularly women) will do this. It's both a threat and a reaction to anger. In other words, you may have just broken up with him to "get him back" for hurting your feelings. Obviously, this isn't a good idea. If you decide this is the case, then you should definitely rethink this action. If you decide it was a mistake, don't just go back and hook up again. You need to get this problem fixed inside of you. Relationships are fragile things. If you continue this type of behavior, you're liable to permanently damage it beyond repair.

The second question will take some time, and is simply this: does this man meet your goals? Of course, you actually have to have relationship goals and very few people do. When you set these goals, you need to really evaluate what you want in your life; how your life will be when you find it and consider every aspect. Be complete and specific, but understand that this may take you many hours. You also need to write this information down somewhere - don't waste your time and just ponder it. That won't get you anywhere. Also, don't focus on "who" at this point, just focus on the "what" and "why".

Once you're done with this project, simply compare this man to your goals. How does he fit and in the areas where he doesn't, are you willing to live with that? If you are, fine. If not, can these things be corrected?

After this exercise, you'll be much better able to determine whether you need to go back to him or not.

Finally, it's entirely reasonable to expect that he'll be involved with special events in your life just like you are with him. If he doesn't seem able to do this, you might want to ask yourself why this is so. Is he so self-centered as to not be able to get involved with anyone else or is he simply so forgetful that you need to get him a calendar?

Best regards...

Dr. Neder, known around the world as a tough, but fair relationship expert, deals with all sorts of dating, sex and relationship issues from a man's perspective. Having written 3 books ("Being a Man in a Woman's World?" series) and is working on others, hundreds of articles, been on hundreds of radio and TV shows, he is funny, direct and intuitive. Vist http://beingaman.com for more!