After The Break Up

                

 

Let me tell you about my major break-up and how I managed to move on from it.

My ex-husband and I tried just about our entire relationship to make it work as best we knew how. His version and mine on how to do this differed more than you might imagine - he thought cheating on me was a good idea, and I didn't. I wanted to keep the marriage going because I had my three kids with him and I didn't want them to experience a childhood without their dad as I had. Growing up without any involvement from my dad (his choice) always had me feeling I wasn't worth it.

I gave it several attempts to get past what he'd done, but I just couldn't do it. We'd split a few times only to get back together to see if this time we could make it. Not long after he would move back in, he'd go back to treating me the way he had before, and this last had to be the last time. The last time he moved out ended up being the best day of my life.

I had been in a major funk: I had no friends my that husband would allow me to see because they were guys. All but one of my best friends are men, always has been that way. No funny business ever, just friends. Anyway, I literally woke up one day thinking there had to be more to my life than feeling worthless and holding no value. My kids needed me and I needed them more. I knew I'd been slacking as a mom but I couldn't seem to help myself. The good news is that I woke up morning. There must have been something wicked in that coffee because I had a new focus: Finding me.

I went out and got my old job back and got off welfare. The kids' dad would take them on Friday's before my shift and I'd pick them up Sunday after my shift. I put in a full week of waiting tables from Friday 3 pm to Sunday 9 pm so I wouldn't have to pay a sitter. That left me Monday through Thursday to be nothing but mom.

Getting involved with someone new was not on my agenda, I was becoming known as the Freezer Queen at work. When I moved into a new place, it was a new beginning and I took full advantage of it. I made new friends and went out when the kids were at their dads. I needed to get back to me and even though my kids were my reason for the start back to life, without people my own age to converse with I was without another factor I had to have. People in your life are essential to living. You need them as much as they need you, whether you know it or not.

Your relationship may be over, but you are not. Find one thing about yourself that you can hold onto to help you pull yourself up and begin again. It can be the smallest thing but end up being your life saver

Want To Know How To Get Your Ex To Break Up With New Girlfriend?

                

 

Is this what you're after? If so, chances are you're going down a messy path. Winning back your Ex? It's possible. Making your ex lose interest in someone else? That's highly unlikely. Here's why...

If someone tried to make you lose interest in your ex, what chances do they have? Will they have a magic potion they'll slip into your drink that kills all your emotions for them? No.

Your goal is to change someone else's mind. In other words, your goal is set inside someone else's boundaries.

If you want to win a marathon race you train really, really hard. If you want to run a successful business you stay dedicated to it and make the right decisions. All of these are within your control.

What someone else thinks is never in your control. If you try to make your ex break up with their new girlfriend by demeaning and making her look bad, chances are you're going to come out of it looking like a complete psycho. Trust me, you'll kill your chances.

However, let's look at it another way. Can you choose to stop liking your ex? No. What is it about him? Is it his attractive body? A killer sense of humour? Maybe you can't put your finger on it, but it's there. You didn't choose to like him.

The same applies for him. He might be going out with this new girl because he wants to get over you. He dated you at some point, didn't he? That's because he found you attractive.

If you can make yourself attractive to him once again, you can win him back. If you're lucky he might even break up with his new girlfriend just to be with you again.

Even if he doesn't, you're going to make yourself feel better. You'll feel more attractive and you might even find a new man. If you want him to break up with his new girlfriend because you want pay back, dating and moving on from him is the best revenge.

Going through all this effort just to either make him unhappy or to make him available again isn't going to work, and you'll just look like an ass. I assume you want to get back into his good books again, but trying to sabotage his future relationships is going to make him avoid you at all costs.

Start dating again and get him off your mind. Keep your life busy and make yourself more attractive by showing him that you don't need him. Send him an e-mail now and then just to ask how he's doing so that he won't forget about you, but don't go beyond that.

If you keep the e-mails casual and become friends with him again, chances are he'll want to start spending time with you. If you're lucky, he might even want more. Even if he doesn't, you'll still be dating other guys and you might find one that's even better.

If you don't put all your eggs in one basket you're going to find yourself happier. By dating other guys you're going to experience and learn about new people, and you'll also have the chance to win your ex back if you keep in contact.

You might want to do anything to get your ex back, but keep it to changing yourself only. Trying to interfere with other people's lives will come back to haunt you sooner or later.

Want to learn some amazing techniques that will almost certainly win your Ex back? Or do you simply want to take control of your love life for good?

Check Out Chase's blog for a free break-up e-book and simple secrets that can win him or her back into your arms.

Click Here for your FREE "Dumped - 50 Tips On Getting Over It" E-Book

How to Deal With a Break Up

                

 

How to deal with a break up? Ending a relationship is the hardest thing to do. You are looking for answers but you see none and you keep crying and getting depressed. You keep asking yourself how to deal with a break up and start to feel alone and dumped. Breaking up or getting dumped is the most painful thing you could experience in a relationship. A mutual attraction that bloomed into a joyful and lovely relationship is hard to end when one or both became uncomfortable due to a lot of reasons. It hurts and it’s hard to accept that the person you love is no longer with you now and you need to learn how to deal with a break up.

At this stage when the break up is new you have to learn how to deal with a break up. Cry if you have to, it’s alright. Allow yourself to grieve; it’s the first step of healing. For men, it’s okay to cry, you are a human being who is deeply hurt. Cry if you need too, but of course you have to be discreet and don’t just cry anywhere because people might think you are getting crazy. You are hurt but you still have the responsibility to keep your sanity and keep your self in tact.

Break ups doesn’t always mean its permanent, sometimes it does mean you and your partner need space to think things over. Getting back together after a break up needs time. Use the time and space you both have to think things over. You and your partner can think clearly and may realize the importance of getting back together.

While you have your space to find out how to deal with a break up, there are things you can do to feel better. One thing is talk to people close to you or share your feeling with someone. You will feel better if you talk about your feeling to people close to you and cry on the shoulder of a friend or a family member.

Discovering how to deal with a break up includes loving yourself more. Do not blame yourself if the relationship needs to end. It’s not your fault, relationships are complicated and most people go through rough times when it comes to relationships. If you start to blame yourself, you will get depressed and even lonelier. Think of the good qualities you have and be in the company of your friends who will always remind you of your good qualities. To know how to deal with a break up is to realize that you need to love yourself more. You need this to get through the loneliness of break ups. Take care of yourself and don’t appear too depressed and sad. To deal with a break up with positive attitude will attract positive things and you will feel better if you will only think of positive things.

While you figure out how to deal with a break up, this is also the time to enjoy and do things you want to do. If you enjoy going to the gym with your friends then do it. If you love to teach children or be involved in community work, now you have all the time to do it. You may discover new things or rediscover yourself. Give yourself time to heal and think things over. This is good for you and your partner and when you finally see each other again you may see things differently and with new perspective.

Did you know that there are couples who have worked things out and get back together for good? You can mend your broken heart and bring back your lover. If you seriously, seriously want to bring back the love of your life visit Love and Relationships.

Gerry Restrivera writes informative articles on various subjects including how to deal with a break up.

Break-ups: How To Survive Them

                

 

The loss of a relationship can be incredibly hard - you can feel so much pain. There's not only the grief from losing someone important in your life, but the pain of seeing your hopes and dreams of a future life together disappear as well. Sometimes this is the hardest part - having to totally readjust your view of how you saw your life unfolding in the next 5 to10 years. Suddenly, you can't see into the future and it's scary.

Feeling Like You're Starting Over

You may feel like you're starting over - that you've lost everything that was important to you and you're not sure what to do anymore. It may be hard for you to imagine your life without your partner - your lives have been so intertwined.

Let yourself know that you will get through this.

Having Difficulty Trusting Again

You may find yourself questioning who you can trust, including your own judgement since you may not have expected the break-up. You may wonder if you were wrong to have trusted your partner. You may begin to question how real your relationship was because if it was real how could it be over?

Your ability to trust may feel shaky. You probably trusted your partner, and expected your relationship to last. You may feel alone and abandoned, even if you're the one who decided to leave.

While it takes time, you can re-build trust in yourself and others again. Even though this relationship is over that doesn't mean that you were wrong to trust her/him, and even if you were that doesn't mean that you'll make that mistake again. You can learn from this.

Having an Identity Crisis

You may experience an identity crisis, not knowing who you are any more without your partner. Not necessarily because you didn't have your own identity while in the relationship, but that your relationship had become part of that identity.

This too will change and you will feel more secure in yourself again.

Feeling Triggered

Break-ups can hurt immensely and shake us to our very core. They can throw us right back to the feelings we had in our first relationships - the ones we had with our parents.

If as a child, your relationship with your parents were loving and supportive, you may find yourself wanting to be with them, even wanting to be a child again when it felt safer and easier.

If your relationship with your parents was difficult, lacking, or abusive you may feel some of the feelings that you felt with them (even if you weren't aware of them as a child.) You may feel as though you are drowning in grief and feelings of abandonment. If you feel as though you are being punished or that the break-up means that you are unloveable, or unworthy of love, you are probably triggered - those are messages, beliefs or feelings that usually originate in childhood.

At times of loss, it is very common for feelings, beliefs and memories from past hurts, traumas, and losses to come up. Not only are you dealing with the present loss, but your past losses as well. No wonder, it hurts so much! And, there are ways to cope with triggers.

How To Survive The Triggers

It is really important that you try to separate out which of your feelings, beliefs and responses belong to the present situation and which ones belong to the past. This is hard to do when you're feeling overwhelmed but it can also help you to feel less overwhelmed. Separating past and present feelings will help you to attach less of your pain to the break-up and can help you to feel more hopeful about getting over this break-up, because maybe you are not as upset about the break-up as you thought. You're still just as upset but it can be helpful to know that it's not all about the break up, that some is also coming from the past.

When you know that you are triggered (past feelings and issues are coming to the surface) you can find ways to comfort or reassure yourself, or to deal with those issues in other ways. The first step though is to separate the past from the present.

Ways of separating the past from the present include:

Ask yourself where your feelings are coming from, and notice what you become aware of, including later on in the day.

Notice whether your feelings are familiar to you - whether you've felt this way before - and if so remind yourself that some of your feelings are probably coming from the past.

Spend time being aware of the past origins of your feelings if you know, and if that's not too overwhelming for you.

Let yourself know that even if you don't know where all of your feelings are coming from, it's likely that some of how you are feeling is from the past.

Stages of Grief

You will get through this, even if it doesn't feel like that right now. Grief moves in stages - it has a beginning, middle, and an end phase. It might help to know where you are in the process.

In the beginning, you may feel in shock, denial, or numb. It may be hard for you to believe what has happened. It may be hard to make sense of it all. You may find yourself expecting to come home to your partner or for her/him to call at a regular time only to discover that's not the case any longer. It may take awhile for you to fully comprehend that the relationship is over.

During this phase many people operate as if the relationship is still on even as they grieve the loss. For example, even though you may be really upset, you may not have fully accepted that the relationship is over. Deep down you may be waiting for her/him to come back. (People do this even after a death, it's normal.) This period of disbelief or shock is the body's natural protection against pain.

You may try to get back together even when you know it's over. You may go over and over in your mind and with everyone you talk to what you think led to the break up or what might have made a difference and resulted in a different outcome. This is the "if only" stage - "if only I had...or, if only I hadn't..." we might still be together. If you are doing this, you are likely trying to make sense of what has happened, trying to understand and take it in, and trying to change it too. It's hard to take in that a break up is permanent. You'll need time to fully absorb this reality.

At this stage, you may have trouble remembering things, focusing, and feeling a sense of purpose or direction in their lives - you may feel as though you are drifting through the day. This is a natural initial reaction to loss.

The Second Stage of Grief

The second stage involves feeling fear, anger and depression. This stage often lasts the longest and can be filled with feelings of insecurity, panic, worry, crying, anger, and feelings of depression. Some people don't allow themselves to feel, while others have trouble letting go of how they are feeling. Both are essential - feeling and eventually letting go.

Some people worry that if they let themselves feel that they'll be overcome with emotion and never come out of it - they'll drown in their feelings and not be able to function. Others feel their feelings but can't seem to let go of them even after a lot of time has passed. Either way, it's important to give yourself permission to feel and at some point to let go so that you can move on.

In the beginning, you may think that you will always feel this way, but you won't. Your feelings will pass. You'll discover that the time between down periods increases. Too often with break-ups we don't feel that we have the right to feel upset much longer than a few weeks when the truth is it usually takes longer. I have found that grief tends to run a cycle of at least one year unless of course the relationship wasn't very important, was short-term, or you were grieving before you actually left her/him. But, if you spent a number of years together, and the person was important to you, even if you're the one doing the breaking up you can still be grieving for approximately one year. Of course with very long term relationships, it can take even longer to feel back on your feet but it is still possible to recover.

The Third Stage of Grief

This is the stage where you begin to accept that the relationship is over, and that you're going to be okay. You realize that you haven't thought about your ex-partner in awhile, and that without realizing it you are moving on. You've gained back some of your zest for life, and are beginning to see a future ahead of you.

Sometimes the process involves a little movement forward and a little back. This is okay and perfectly normal, afterall you need to get used to your forward steps and occasionally may need the comfort of what you were feeling before. Try not to be hard on yourself, change is not a linear path. It's full of up's and down's. It's okay to feel good and then feel hurt and angry again, especially if you see her/him in the community or dating someone else.

In the acceptance stage, you've done a lot of thinking about the relationship and the break-up and you realize things that you hadn't before. You understand yourself better, and you aren't as angry or hurt. You find yourself laughing more, and feeling hopeful. You begin to notice that you're feeling better and that you are ready to trust again, or at least to try.

Try not to lose faith if you fall back into a funk - each time that you feel better will have an accumulative effect. Grief comes in waves - up and down.

Sometimes letting go just happens after you've let yourself grieve and rage and whatever else you need to do. Other times, people have to deliberately and consciously focus on letting go. It is tempting to hold on, and scary to let go. Saying to yourself that you are letting go of your ex-partner can be helpful. Interrupting yourself when you get stuck thinking or talking about her/him and redirecting your focus onto something else is all part of letting go.

Filling your life with activities that you enjoy - creative, playful, sociable, soulful activities - are all ways to nurture yourself back to health.

Breaking-up can feel unbearably hard and so permanent. Let yourself know that you won't always feel this way and in the meantime let yourself grieve your losses fully. You will feel stronger and lighter for having done so.

Kali Munro, 2001

Kali Munro, M.Ed., is a psychotherapist in private practice with twenty years experience. She offers free healing resources at her site, KaliMunro.com